Living with chronic pain can feel like an endless uphill battle. You know the story many of our parents or grandparents told us as kids when we’d complain about something, that they had to walk uphill both to and from school in the snow everyday. Well when you live with chronic pain, you feel as though you are always going uphill in the snow. Every day presents new challenges, and often, it feels like our bodies are working against us. I feel sad and frustrated that I have to rest after doing something minor, that an able-bodied person wouldn’t think twice about doing and have nothing to recover from, but my body is different. My body needs a rest. My brain wants to keep going, and has all these dreams and goals, but my body is screaming no. It makes me feel bad that I can’t do the things I once could. I have a lot of guilt about that. When you are living in a reality where your body has a lot of physical limitations, due to severe chronic pain, it's easy to get caught up in what we can't do, or what we used to be able to do. This leads to a relentless cycle of self-criticism and disappointment that often stems from setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves, fueled by a desire to live up to societal norms or our own pre-pain aspirations. But here's a hard truth: those unrealistic expectations are a direct threat to your mental health and overall well-being. I’m here to tell you how:
The Trap of Unrealistic Expectations
Before chronic pain, many of us had certain ideas about what a productive day looked like, or what we should be achieving. My days were full and busy, and I had endless energy. But when pain enters the picture, you still may have the same goals, but those goalposts shift dramatically. We might compare our current selves to our past selves, or to others who don't experience the same limitations. It’s an unrealistic cycle I have found myself caught in many times. This unfair comparison we put on ourselves is a thief of joy, leading to feelings of inadequacy and frustration. We might push ourselves too hard, only to crash and burn, exacerbating both physical pain and emotional distress. To be honest, this is one of the biggest challenges I face daily, where I feel I’m not doing enough, which is actually a direct result of me setting unrealistic expectations and goals for myself, and not that I’m not doing enough. To help with this negative brain loop, every morning I look at both my business and personal to-do lists, and break down what I want to achieve that day, and create a “to-do” list with those top 3 tasks I want to do. By listing only 3 tasks or chores from your master list, it creates a more attainable to-do list that you are more likely to accomplish. I also keep a daily list in a notebook or journal, of what I accomplished throughout the day, so that I have a visual reminder or score card of sorts that tells me not to listen to my overly-critical self, and to trust the facts I’ve laid out on paper. If I don’t, I’m just setting myself up for failure, and my mental health will take a further hit.
So, all of that being said, the solution isn't to give up on setting goals entirely, but to reset our expectations to something reasonable and attainable within the context of our current reality. This isn't about lowering our standards; it's about being compassionate and strategic with our energy and capabilities. By becoming aware of the trap of setting unrealistic expectations, we can try and navigate around it by reworking our goals and breaking them down into smaller, more attainable tasks that can be done relatively quickly.
I also schedule household chores, business to-do’s, and self care into my day. When I prepare and write my to-do list consisting of: “Task 1”, “Task 2” and “Task 3”, and schedule them spaced out in the morning, I am more likely to do those tasks. I carefully space each task out throughout the morning, and usually schedule an hour between tasks. By writing my to-do list down on paper, I am setting an intention, and when you set a written intention, as well as name the day, time and place you are going to do it, you are more likely to complete and finish that task, than if you didn’t write that stuff down.
Big Goals, Bite-Sized Wins
It's absolutely okay to have big, audacious goals, even with chronic pain. I certainly do. Starting this blog and then my business, is one of my big, audacious goals, and growing it all into a thriving business is another big goal. What are your big, audacious goals? Maybe you want to write a book, learn a new language, or even just be able to walk around your block without severe pain. Maybe you want a tidier house, or to be able to exercise 3 times a week. The key is to break these daunting goals down into the smallest possible, achievable tasks – what we'll call "micro-wins."
For example, if your goal is to write a book:
- Big Goal: Write a 50,000-word novel.
- Micro-Win 1: Brainstorm character names for 10 minutes.
- Micro-Win 2: Write one paragraph of an outline.
- Micro-Win 3: Edit one sentence of a chapter you started.
- Micro-Win 4: Read one chapter of a book in your genre for inspiration.
If your goal is to walk around the block:
- Big Goal: Walk around the block without severe pain.
- Micro-Win 1: Walk to your mailbox and back.
- Micro-Win 2: Do 5 minutes of gentle stretches.
- Micro-Win 3: Stand at the kitchen counter for 10 minutes while preparing a meal.
- Micro-Win 4: Walk to the end of your driveway.
Each of these seemingly small steps is a crucial part of the journey. And each one deserves to be celebrated! Remember, we have readjusted our expectations and reset and turned our big goals into smaller goals and tasks, making achieving these is very doable.
The Power of the Brag Book
This is where your personal "Brag Book" comes in. A brag book is a dedicated space – a journal, a digital document, a simple notebook – where you record every single win, no matter how small. I have notebooks filled with my journal entries, gratitude practices, and what I did that day, and on the harder days I sometimes go back and read them, just to remind myself that I am actually doing things and should not feel bad about what I can’t do. There’s still so much I can do and I’ve found the science behind this journaling concept to be compelling. When we acknowledge and celebrate our achievements, our brains release dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation. This positive neurological feedback loop reinforces the behavior, making us more likely to pursue similar positive actions in the future. It helps shift our focus from what we can't do to what we are accomplishing, building self-efficacy and resilience.
This is such an important concept to master for our mental health. Whether you write it in a notebook or journal, or an app on your phone, the important thing is that you are doing it consistently. It’s been a part of my routine for years now, even before I started my blog or business. I started journaling when I turned 40, and expanded my journaling practice in 2023 during my nervous breakdown. Looking back and reading my journals has been helpful, as I can see how far I’ve come. Reading them again motivates and inspires me and makes me proud of what I have accomplished.
Think of it as actively rewiring your brain to see success, even amidst challenges. It helps combat the negative thought patterns that chronic pain often fosters.
Examples of Micro-Wins to Track in Your Brag Book:
- Physical:
- Took a shower today.
- Walked to the kitchen to get water (even if it felt like a marathon!).
- Did 5 minutes of physical therapy exercises.
- Managed to sit upright for 30 minutes.
- Had a day with slightly less pain than usual.
- Took my medication on time.
- Successfully navigated a doctor's appointment.
- Cooked a simple meal for myself.
- Slept for 6 consecutive hours.
- Mental/Emotional:
- Didn't let pain anxiety consume my morning.
- Read a chapter of a book.
- Meditated for 10 minutes.
- Called a friend to chat.
- Engaged in a hobby for 15 minutes.
- Identified a negative thought and challenged it.
- Practiced a coping mechanism when pain flared.
- Allowed myself to rest without guilt.
- Researched a new pain management strategy.
- Productivity/Chores:
- Emptied the dishwasher.
- Paid a bill online.
- Sent that important email.
- Organized one small drawer.
- Watered the plants.
- Made my bed.
- Responded to one text message.
Finding Your Tracking Method
The best way to track your wins is the one that "clicks" with your brain and is easy to maintain, even on high-pain days.
- Physical Journal: A beautiful notebook and a special pen can make the act of writing down wins feel more significant.
- Digital Document: A simple Word document, Google Doc, or even a note-taking app on your phone. Easy to access and update.
- Bullet Journal: Integrate your brag book into your existing bullet journal system.
- Whiteboard: Keep a small whiteboard visible in your living space and jot down wins with a colorful marker.
- Gratitude Jar/Box: Write each win on a slip of paper and put it in a decorative jar. At the end of the month or year, read through them.
The key is consistency. Make it a habit to jot down at least one win at the end of each day. Even if the day felt terrible, try to find one tiny thing you accomplished or endured. This is very important to do and reinforces that doing tasks that release dopamine is something your brain wants you to do. Many years ago, not long after my second accident, I started seeing a therapist with respect to my chronic pain, and on the very first visit, my homework was to write down 3 things I’m grateful for, and 3 things I accomplished, each day. That habit, for the most part, has stuck. I’ve even done it with the kids off and on over the years since they were little. It’s funny, I was talking about it with them the other day, and they both said they have fond memories of this nightly ritual, and remember us doing it at the end of the day right before bed. I put that comment in my “win” column.
How to Celebrate Your Wins
This is the fun part! Celebrating reinforces the positive feedback loop.
Ideas for Celebrating Micro-Wins:
- Acknowledge Verbally: Simply saying "Yes! I did that!" out loud.
- Physical Affirmation: A small fist pump, a stretch, or a gentle pat on the back.
- Sensory Treat: Enjoy a favorite cup of tea, listen to a beloved song, light a scented candle.
- Mini-Break: Take a 5-minute break to just breathe or look out the window.
- Positive Self-Talk: "Good job, me!" or "I handled that well."
- Add to Your Brag Book: The act of writing it down is a celebration in itself!
- Share with a Trusted Friend: If you have someone who understands your journey, share your small win with them.
Ideas for Celebrating Bigger Wins (when micro-wins add up to something significant):
- A Small Purchase: A new book, a special bath bomb, a piece of art you've been eyeing.
- A Special Meal: Order takeout from your favorite restaurant or have a slightly fancier meal at home.
- A Relaxing Activity: A long, warm bath, an extended gentle stretch session, or an extra hour of rest.
- Connect with Others: Have a virtual coffee date with a friend, or a short visit with a loved one if energy permits.
- Plan a Future Treat: Even if you can't do it now, planning something to look forward to can be a powerful motivator.
- Visual Reminder: Frame a photo, create a small piece of art, or buy a commemorative item that reminds you of your achievement.
Bringing It All Together
Living with chronic pain is incredibly challenging, but it doesn't mean your life has to be devoid of achievement or joy. By consciously resetting expectations, breaking down big goals into manageable micro-wins, and diligently tracking and celebrating these achievements in a personal brag book, you can cultivate a more positive mindset. You'll not only build momentum towards your larger goals but also strengthen your resilience, enhance your mental health, and remind yourself of your incredible strength and capacity for progress, one small, celebrated win at a time. So go ahead, start your brag book today – you deserve to celebrate every single step forward.
You don't have to manage your chronic pain journey alone. Join our community of pain warriors by signing up for my newsletter on the home page or below any blog post on my website:
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For more resources, browse my collection of chronic pain-themed trackers, planners, and journals at my shop:
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and my Chronic Pain Worksheets — To Learn And Level Up blog post packaged with worksheets I create and sell in bundles in my Gumroad shop:
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