By Meredith Hutton, owner of meredithhutton79 Chronic Creative Lifestyle Management, where "Empathy Leads, Purpose Guides, and Resilience Builds. Turn Your Pain Into Purpose, and Your Purpose Into Power."

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The Hidden Struggles of Chronic Pain

Chronic pain brings challenges that extend far beyond the obvious physical suffering. Since March 2008, I haven’t had a single pain-free day. The weight of that reality is overwhelming—so much so that I’ve honestly forgotten what it feels like to live without pain.

For pain warriors like myself, grief becomes a constant companion—as chronic and unrelenting as the physical pain itself. It feels like a revolving door of losses, each one eroding a little more of who I once was. Each subsequent loss compounds the emotional burden, fueling losses and triggering depression, anxiety, and fear for the future. I pressure myself to adapt quickly, hoping to minimize the impact on my loved ones, but the cycle of grief remains relentless.

Trauma, CRPS, and the First Grief Cycles

The accidents that caused my pain weren’t just physically damaging—they were deeply traumatic. On top of having the accidents, for the next 7 or 8 years, I endured on multiple accounts weekly medical tests and procedures that were extremely painful and traumatic and left me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is on top of living with the constant pain and trauma of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) and extremely painful neck and back issues. I still get intense flashbacks and panic attacks from the really horrific medical tests and procedures. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over them they were so bad. Being forced to withstand torturous and painful tests and procedures has done nothing good for me, my physical or my mental health. Most of the tests and procedures didn’t even help my pain and they’ve left me with so much more trauma than there needed to be. 

Every sharp flare of pain is a reminder of what I have lost. The trauma compounded, leaving me overwhelmed by the painful and unknown nature of my condition. That was the beginning of my grief cycles—waves of loss, despair, and desperate attempts at acceptance.

And yet, even in the devastation, small steps forward became possible. With each tiny bit of progress, I began to see the possibility of healing—not a cure, but a path toward acceptance. This nascent acceptance, even in its earliest forms, offers profound benefits. It feels like a subtle shift, a quiet exhalation after holding your breath for years. The constant internal battle begins to lessen, replaced by a tentative peace. This initial glimmer of acceptance encourages further actions that lead to deeper self-acceptance. When you stop fighting the reality of your condition, you free up immense emotional and mental energy. This newfound energy can then be directed towards adaptive strategies, self-care, and rediscovering joy in what is possible. The emotional burden starts to lighten, making room for hope and a more constructive approach to managing chronic pain. It's a courageous pivot that allows you to move from dwelling on what's lost to actively building a meaningful life within your current reality. I am experiencing this shift now, and it’s so freeing!

Understanding the 7 Stages of Grief in Chronic Illness

For people living with chronic pain, grief doesn’t follow a neat or predictable pattern. It’s cyclical, overlapping, and deeply personal. Dr. Jennifer Martin, PsyD, adapted Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s famous 5 stages of grief into The 7 Stages of Grief For Chronic Pain and Illness (2015).

These stages validated what I—and many others—have been feeling: that we aren’t “crazy.” We are grieving. This validation is incredibly powerful and positive. It dismantles the isolating belief that our pain and emotional turmoil are simply "all in our heads," a common and harmful dismissal many with chronic conditions face. Knowing that our experience aligns with a recognized process, like the stages of grief, provides immense relief and a sense of normalcy. It fosters self-compassion, allowing us to release the guilt and shame often associated with not "getting over" our condition. This understanding empowers us to speak more openly about our struggles, seek appropriate support, and begin to heal from the internal invalidation that often accompanies chronic pain. It affirms that our suffering is legitimate, our emotions are valid, and we are not alone in navigating this complex journey.

The 7 Stages of Grief For Chronic Pain and Illness

• Denial – Shock at the diagnosis, wondering how life will change. Usually accompanies a recent diagnosis or decrease in abilities and feeling of being in shock of that diagnosis or recent loss. You wonder about the quality of your life and any adaptations you may need to make. I was so overwhelmed with what was occurring, and I had a hard time believing and accepting that it was all happening to me. I also didn’t have any idea as to the extent that my chronic pain would impact me. My emotions and pain were like being on a scary roller coaster blindfolded and I had no idea what was happening to me or what was going to happen to me. It was a scary place to be, and I knew my life was changing and I could do nothing to stop it. It took me 10 years to settle into life with CRPS, my treatment plans, to get my medications sorted out and me somewhat stabilized, and another 5-6 years to find the parts of me I thought were lost. It’s been 17 years since my first accident, 16 years since my second, and it’s only been this last year and a half that I actually feel like I’m getting my life back.
  
  

• Pleading, Bargaining, and Desperation – Wishing desperately to go back to “before,” blaming yourself, and bargaining with fate. In this stage, you are pleading and trying to bargain away your recent diagnosis. In this stage the sufferer also wishes really hard that they could go back to their life, before their chronic illness. There are also feelings of guilt and self blaming for getting sick or injured and wonder if they could have done more to prevent their illness. This feeling of guilt usually comes with bargaining as the person blames themselves for their situation. You really do get desperate for any kind of relief, for anything that will fix it and you really do feel a lot of guilt and shame for changing life’s plans. This can all be so overwhelming and I don’t think I’m alone in this. How different my life, my family’s life is, now haunts me with what could have been. You do ask the universe questions like “Why me?” and “What did you do to deserve this pain?”, as you watch everything you built in your life start to crumble, while you desperately try to cling onto what’s left.
  
  
• Anger – The turning point where you confront what chronic pain has stolen. Everything I’ve read says that this is a crucial stage in which persons suffering chronic illness or chronic pain begin their healing process. It’s the stage we try and work through, and often don’t realize how angry we are until we start to address what chronic illness has stolen from us. If left unaddressed, this anger can fester, silently eroding our mental health. Suppressing it can manifest as increased anxiety, persistent sadness, irritability, or even a sense of being overwhelmed and helpless. It can lead to social withdrawal, strained relationships, and a deepening of feelings of hopelessness. Conversely, actively working on anger management and confronting this anger, even if it feels uncomfortable, offers significant benefits. It allows us to process the legitimate grief and frustration associated with our losses, preventing these emotions from becoming toxic. By acknowledging and exploring our anger, we can identify its roots, express it in healthy ways, and begin to channel that energy into constructive actions. This process can lead to a sense of empowerment, a clearer understanding of our boundaries, and ultimately, a more peaceful internal state, paving the way for true healing and acceptance.
• Anxiety and Depression – Feelings of guilt, shame, uselessness, and hopelessness. Both depression and anxiety often settle in as your life changes and your chronic pain or illness solidifies. Feelings of uselessness, guilt and shame, and an intense sadness can cause a person to withdraw, and lose hope. It is incredibly common for those with chronic pain or illness to experience these profound emotions because their lives have been fundamentally altered, often without their consent or understanding. Guilt can arise from no longer being able to fulfill previous roles or responsibilities, feeling like a burden to loved ones, or even the subconscious belief that they "caused" their own illness. Shame often stems from societal pressures to "get better" or the internalized feeling of being "broken" or inadequate. Uselessness and hopelessness are direct consequences of losing abilities, independence, and future aspirations, leading to a profound sense of loss of self and purpose. This deep sadness can evolve into clinical depression, a persistent state of low mood, loss of interest in activities, fatigue, changes in appetite or sleep, and difficulty concentrating. It's a heavy cloak that smothers motivation and can make even simple tasks feel insurmountable, leading to further withdrawal and isolation. Addressing these feelings requires a multi-faceted approach: seeking professional mental health support (therapy, medication if needed), building a strong support system, practicing self-compassion, setting realistic expectations, engaging in adapted activities that bring joy or a sense of accomplishment, and reframing one's identity beyond physical capabilities. For me, having a large support system right at home that I can access any time has been invaluable in navigating these challenging emotions.
  
  

• Loss of Self and Confusion – Struggling with identity when you can no longer do what once defined you. This is very real to people with chronic illness and chronic pain as we often define and understand ourselves by what we can do. We invest heavily in our roles, hobbies, and careers, and these activities become foundational pillars of our self-worth and how we perceive ourselves in the world. When chronic pain or illness suddenly removes our ability to engage in these defining activities, it creates a profound identity crisis. The person we thought we were, and the future we envisioned, vanish. We question who we are without these defining characteristics, leading to deep confusion and a sense of being lost. I know I get caught in this thinking trap. Having a chronic illness, in my case, chronic pain, means that for many we can no longer do what we used to do and in the same way, and we have to figure out how to redefine ourselves, and become our “2.0” version. This isn't about discarding who you were, but rather building upon your core values and strengths to forge a new identity that accommodates your current reality. It involves acknowledging what has changed, grieving those losses, and then courageously exploring new interests, strengths, and ways of contributing that align with your adapted capabilities. This process of creating a "2.0" version of oneself is an act of resilience, allowing for growth and new purpose even in the face of limitations. I call my comeback and new persona, Meredith 2.0. This stage can happen on its own or along with depression and anxiety, as the emotional weight of this transformation can be immense.
  
  

• Re-evaluation of Life, Roles, and Goals – Adjusting and finding ways to move forward with new adaptations. This is where you try and figure out how to move forward in positive and healthy ways. For me that was finding apps for my phone to help me with my day to day things I struggle with, books to educate myself, and reaching out for help. This stage is profoundly beneficial because it shifts the focus from what has been lost to what can still be gained and achieved. By actively seeking ways to adapt, you reclaim agency over your life, rather than being passively defined by your chronic pain or illness. The goal isn't to pretend the pain doesn't exist, but to find creative solutions that allow you to live the life you want to live, even if it looks different than planned. Chronic pain has forced me to re-evaluate how I fit into the bigger picture of my fresh start. I question what it means to my day to day life in figuring out how to go about daily activities and tasks, with the adaptations and changes I needed to make. This involved an intentional search for tools that could bridge the gap between my desires and my physical limitations. For instance, discovering helpful apps for managing tasks, reminders, or even gentle exercise can be transformative. Similarly, books and educational resources empower you with knowledge about your condition, coping strategies, and stories of others who have successfully adapted. The importance of not giving up trying to find what works cannot be overstated; it's an ongoing process of trial and error, but each discovery, however small, can lead to significant improvements in daily functioning and overall well-being. This persistent exploration helps combat feelings of hopelessness and builds resilience, ensuring that despite challenges, a fulfilling life remains within reach. I worry what all of this looks like for me year after year, but actively engaging in this re-evaluation process provides a roadmap for sustainable living.
  

• Acceptance – Not giving up, but embracing your “new self” with resilience. This is the final stage in the 7 stages of grief for chronic pain or chronic illness. This is something I am working hard towards achieving. Finding acceptance doesn't mean passively surrendering to your pain or illness; rather, it signifies a profound shift from resistance to active engagement with your reality. It's about acknowledging the enduring presence of chronic pain without letting it consume your entire identity. This process inherently builds resilience because it frees up the vast energy previously spent fighting an unchangeable truth, allowing you to channel that energy into adaptive coping mechanisms and meaningful living.

Embracing this "new self," this "2.0 version," is incredibly important for improving your quality of life. It’s a courageous act of self-redefinition. When you let go of the rigid expectations of your former self and wholeheartedly accept who you are now—with all the changes and limitations—you open doors to new possibilities and peace. This acceptance reduces internal conflict, diminishes feelings of frustration and bitterness, and fosters a sense of inner harmony. It allows you to build a life that is truly sustainable and joyful within your current parameters, rather than constantly striving for an unattainable past. This doesn't mean the pain disappears, but its psychological grip loosens, making space for contentment and growth.

I want to finally feel like myself, my new self, and in time I will get there. I am doing lots of things to work towards the self I want to be. For me, a significant part of this journey towards acceptance has been writing my blog posts. It has proven to be incredibly therapeutic, helping me process some of the complex emotions and challenging experiences I was stuck on for so long. The act of articulating my struggles and insights creates a tangible space for understanding and integration, helping me to make sense of what I've endured. This creative outlet is actively helping me create a space for acceptance in my life, allowing me to acknowledge the losses while simultaneously recognizing the new strengths and perspectives I've gained. It has had such a positive impact on the way I see myself, transforming my perception from one of brokenness to one of resilience, and it continues to shape the way I want to see myself as I move forward.

The Pain of Losing Identity

Before my accident, I was an athlete, a 911 operator, and training to become an RCMP dispatcher. I played hockey, softball, and field hockey, and loved being active with my husband and kids. Two weeks before the accident, I bought new goalie skates—after decades of using the same pair. I wore them only once. 

That abrupt shift—from being highly capable to living with constant pain—was devastating. The grief wasn’t just about physical loss, but about losing my identity, independence, and sense of self. All at once. This is a profound and often overlooked aspect of chronic pain and illness. When someone is suddenly unable to perform activities that were central to their life—whether it's a demanding job, a cherished hobby, or even simple daily tasks—they experience a deep sense of bereavement. It's a loss of the future they envisioned, the person they were, and the fundamental ways they interacted with the world. The capable, independent self they knew ceases to exist, or at least feels severely diminished. This can lead to intense grief, not just for the physical abilities themselves, but for the self-esteem, purpose, and social connections that were intertwined with those capabilities. The loss of independence, in particular, can be crushing, as it impacts everything from personal care to financial stability and the ability to pursue personal passions. This ongoing grieving process can be as debilitating as the physical pain itself, as individuals grapple with a fragmented sense of who they are in this new, pain-altered reality.

Many people with chronic illness call this an “infinite loss”—because unlike an acute illness, there is no end point. The losses are ongoing, permanent, and deeply tied to who we are.

The Emotional Toll of “Infinite Loss”

Living in this state means facing constant uncertainty. Will tomorrow bring more pain? Will I lose more function? Will I ever reach acceptance? This constant questioning defines what is often called "infinite loss" in the context of chronic pain. Unlike acute losses, which have a defined beginning and end, infinite loss is an ongoing, cumulative process where new physical limitations, symptoms, or capabilities can emerge at any time, triggering renewed cycles of grief. It's a continuous state of losing aspects of one's former self, life, and future aspirations.

Understanding infinite loss is crucial for those with chronic pain because it helps validate the perpetual emotional burden they carry. Recognizing that grief is an ongoing, rather than a one-time, process allows individuals to make necessary emotional, physical, and practical adjustments. It highlights the importance of developing flexible coping strategies and adaptive behaviors, as the landscape of their capabilities can shift without warning. This awareness enables a more compassionate self-approach, understanding that the struggle isn't about failing to "get over" something, but rather continuously navigating a dynamic and challenging reality.

This is often called the “limbo state”—an exhausting place where the future feels paralyzing. The "limbo state" is a direct consequence of infinite loss, characterized by a pervasive sense of being stuck between a past that's gone and a future that feels uncertain and unpredictable. It's a psychological holding pattern where planning becomes difficult, and hope can feel elusive. The constant "what ifs" about worsening pain or further loss of function create a paralyzing fear, making it hard to commit to goals or even envision a stable future. This state of perpetual uncertainty drains mental and emotional resources, often leading to deep fatigue.

For many, myself included, the grief never ends. It only restarts with each new physical limitation. This perpetual cycle makes infinite loss incredibly isolating. Even with a strong support system like I have, the unique and ongoing nature of this grief can be difficult for others to fully comprehend. Friends and family, accustomed to linear grieving processes, may expect the individual to "move on," leading to misunderstandings and a feeling of being alone in their continuous struggle. Furthermore, when many people don’t have access to adequate emotional or medical care, the inherent challenges of infinite loss are amplified. The absence of professional guidance and external validation for this unique form of grief makes the feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and depression even harder to overcome, pushing individuals further into a solitary experience of their pain and loss.

My Personal Journey Through the Stages

Over the years, I’ve moved through every stage of grief, sometimes multiple times, often overlapping. Denial turned into anger. Anger gave way to depression. Depression led to a loss of self. Then, a re-evaluation of life pushed me forward.

Even the name I gave: “Meredith 2.0” reminds me that I am not broken—I am evolving.

But full blown acceptance? That’s still a work in progress.

Coping With PTSD and Cognitive Challenges

Chronic pain isn’t just about the body. It reshaped my mind, too. When chronic pain is coupled with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and cognitive challenges, the impact on a person's day-to-day activities is profound and pervasive. The brain, constantly on high alert due to trauma, struggles to filter and process information efficiently. This manifests as symptoms like noise and competing sounds overwhelming me, leading to confusion and withdrawal from social situations. Too much sensory input – a busy street, a loud conversation, even multiple people talking at once – can trigger a heightened stress response, making the individual feel overloaded and dysregulated. To cope, withdrawal becomes a protective mechanism, sacrificing social engagement for mental quiet.

My brain processes differently now. Tasks that once felt simple can leave me exhausted and anxious. And forget about multitasking, that sends my brain into a busy frenzy. This is a common experience when trauma impacts cognitive function. The brain's executive functions, such as attention, memory, and processing speed, are often impaired. What was once automatic now requires immense effort, leading to mental fatigue, errors, and significant anxiety about performance. Multitasking, which demands rapid shifting of attention and processing multiple streams of information, becomes virtually impossible without triggering a cascade of distress and mental overload. This continuous struggle with basic daily activities can lead to immense frustration and a feeling of incompetence.

This has forced me into an identity crisis, moving from a successful career and active lifestyle to someone learning entirely new limits. For me and my family, this loss has been devastating. When a person's core capabilities and defining roles are stripped away overnight by chronic pain and trauma, it shatters their sense of self. The abrupt shift from a highly capable and engaged individual to someone with significant limitations can lead to a profound identity crisis. The person wonders, "Who am I now that I can't do what defined me?" This loss of self is deeply disorienting and can feel like mourning a past version of oneself.

Unresolved grief also intensifies depression and anxiety. I see this in my own journey. I’ve had to adapt to cognitive changes, emotional trauma, and PTSD alongside physical pain. The interplay between unresolved grief, chronic pain, PTSD, and cognitive challenges creates a vicious cycle. The continuous losses associated with chronic conditions fuel persistent grief, which in turn exacerbates mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. When grief is not fully processed or acknowledged, it becomes a chronic emotional burden that drains mental resources, perpetuates feelings of hopelessness, and reinforces the neurological pathways associated with fear and sadness, making recovery from anxiety and depression far more challenging. This complex interaction underscores the critical need for comprehensive support that addresses not just the physical pain, but also the deep emotional and cognitive repercussions of living with trauma and chronic illness.

Finding Strength, Support, and Hope

Despite the grief, pain, and trauma, I’ve discovered strategies that help:

• Listening to my body and respecting my limits: This is a fundamental shift that positively impacts a pain warrior's life by fostering self-compassion and preventing burnout. Instead of fighting against the pain, acknowledging physical boundaries allows for better pacing, reduced flare-ups, and a more predictable daily routine. It helps manage energy levels, reduces frustration, and ultimately leads to a greater sense of control over one's own well-being.
• Using apps and tools to adapt daily life: Embracing assistive technologies and practical aids can dramatically improve a pain warrior's independence and reduce daily stress. Whether it's a pain tracking app, a reminder system for medication, or tools that make household tasks easier, these adaptations empower individuals to navigate their daily lives more efficiently and with less physical strain. This proactive approach cultivates a sense of agency and reduces feelings of helplessness.
• Seeking emotional support through family, friends, and therapy: This provides a crucial outlet for processing the immense emotional toll of chronic pain. Family and friends offer understanding and practical help, reducing feelings of isolation. Therapy, especially with a professional specializing in chronic pain, offers coping strategies, helps manage mental health symptoms, and validates the unique challenges faced. This emotional scaffolding helps pain warriors feel seen, heard, and less alone in their struggle.
• Sharing my story to build connection and community: This act of vulnerability is incredibly empowering. By sharing personal experiences, pain warriors can connect with others who understand their struggles, fostering a sense of belonging and reducing the profound isolation that chronic pain often brings. It builds a supportive community, reduces stigma, and provides a platform for mutual encouragement and shared learning. This connection validates experiences and reinforces that one is not alone in their journey.

Support systems are lifelines. Not everyone has them, which makes raising awareness about mental health and chronic illness even more important. For pain warriors, support systems truly are lifelines because chronic pain is an invisible, often isolating, and profoundly complex condition. Without understanding and assistance from others, the burden can become unbearable, leading to deeper depression, anxiety, and despair. A strong support system—be it family, friends, a partner, or professional help—provides emotional validation, practical assistance with daily tasks, advocacy in medical settings, and a consistent source of encouragement. They offer a sense of stability and connection in a life often characterized by uncertainty and loss, literally helping pain warriors stay afloat amidst the turbulent waters of their condition.

Acceptance: A Lifelong Process

Living with chronic pain means making peace with the reality that some losses are permanent. I can resist and focus on what’s gone—or I can adapt and move forward with what remains. Acceptance, in this context, is a lifelong process precisely because chronic pain often involves "infinite loss"—new symptoms, limitations, or flare-ups can arise at any time, re-triggering the grief cycle. Each new loss, however small, requires a renewed effort to acknowledge, process, and integrate into one's understanding of self and life. Therefore, true acceptance isn't a single destination, but rather a continuous practice of acknowledging current realities, grieving new losses as they occur, and making ongoing adjustments.

To accept these permanent losses and still adapt and move forward with your plans and goals requires a conscious and deliberate shift in perspective. It means recognizing that while certain doors have closed, others may open, or new paths can be forged. This involves:

• Honoring the Grief: Allowing yourself to feel the sadness, anger, and frustration associated with what's been lost, without getting stuck there. This validates your experience and prevents emotions from festering.
• Focusing on What Remains and What's Possible: Shifting attention from what you can't do to what you can do, even if it's different. This might involve adapting hobbies, exploring new interests, or finding alternative ways to achieve goals.
• Creative Problem-Solving: Actively seeking out solutions and adaptations to navigate daily life and pursue aspirations. This could involve using assistive devices, modifying environments, or adjusting expectations.
• Redefining Success: Letting go of old definitions of achievement and finding new ways to experience fulfillment and purpose that align with your current capabilities.

Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. This is a crucial distinction. It doesn't imply resignation or a surrender to a life of misery. Instead, it signifies a powerful act of agency: choosing to engage with your reality and direct your energy towards constructing a meaningful life, rather than expending it in futile resistance against what cannot be changed. It means acknowledging grief, honoring the pain, and still choosing to create meaning in life. This proactive stance is the antithesis of giving up; it is the ultimate act of resilience.

This journey is not linear, nor is it easy. But with patience, self-compassion, and connection, it is possible to move toward peace. Having patience with yourself is vital because transformation takes time. There will be good days and bad days, steps forward and occasional setbacks. Rushing the process or expecting instantaneous acceptance only leads to further frustration. Self-compassion is equally important, as it involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend facing similar challenges. It means recognizing that you are doing your best within difficult circumstances, rather than engaging in self-blame or harsh self-criticism. This compassionate stance allows you to navigate the emotional complexities of chronic pain with greater grace and resilience, fostering a more peaceful internal environment despite external challenges.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone

Living with chronic pain and illness is undeniably a daily act of resilience. It's a continuous demonstration of inner fortitude, adapting to an ever-shifting landscape of physical limitations and emotional burdens. The grief is profoundly real, stemming from the myriad losses that chronic pain inflicts—loss of identity, independence, future dreams, and physical capabilities. The trauma is equally real, not just from the initial onset but from the ongoing, often intrusive, experience of constant pain and medical procedures. Yet, amidst this profound reality, so too is the strength we discover along the way. This strength isn't found in overcoming the pain entirely, but in the courage to face it, to adapt, and to redefine what a fulfilling life looks like.

If you’re struggling, know that you are not alone. This journey, while deeply personal, is shared by countless others. By validating grief—by acknowledging that what you are feeling is legitimate and understandable—we begin to dismantle the isolating shame and self-blame that often accompany chronic conditions. Seeking support, whether from compassionate loved ones, specialized therapists, or online communities, provides essential lifelines in navigating this complex terrain. And by sharing our stories, we build a powerful sense of community and foster hope. Each narrative shared chips away at the invisibility of chronic pain, creating a space for understanding, empathy, and mutual empowerment.

We may not choose chronic pain, but we can choose how to live with it. And in that choice lies the path toward healing. This fundamental truth empowers us to move beyond victimhood and into agency. Healing, in this context, may not mean a cure for the pain itself, but a profound restoration of well-being, purpose, and peace within the parameters of our current reality. It is the choice to embrace acceptance, cultivate resilience, and continue building a life that holds meaning and joy, even in the shadow of chronic suffering. What choices will you make today to honor your journey and step further onto your path toward healing?

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