Chronic pain is a relentless thief. It steals your energy, your sleep, and often, your joy. But one of its most insidious crimes is how it forces you to live in the shadow of comparisons, constantly measuring yourself against an idealized version of who you "should" be or the ghost of who you once were.
The "Should" Self:
This is the image of yourself sculpted by societal expectations, internalized beliefs, and even well-meaning advice. It's the you that should be able to power through the pain, maintain the same social calendar, and achieve all the goals you set before chronic pain entered the picture.
Examples:
"I should be able to keep up with my friends on that hike."
"I should be able to work a full day without needing a rest."
"I should be able to handle household chores like I used to."
This "should" self is a harsh judge, whispering accusations of weakness and failure. It ignores the reality of your condition, setting you up for disappointment and self-criticism.
The "Past" Self:
Examples:
"I used to be able to dance all night."
"I used to have so much energy."
"I used to be able to travel without worrying about pain."
This comparison to your past self can lead to feelings of grief, loss, and even resentment towards your own body. It can make you feel like a stranger to yourself, disconnected from your own history.
The Impact on Self-Esteem and Self-Perception:
Broken: Feeling like your body has betrayed you.
Incapable: Believing you can't do the things you once loved.
A burden: Feeling like you're holding others back or relying too much on their support.
This distorted self-perception seeps into every aspect of your life, affecting how you set boundaries and navigate relationships. You may:
Overextend yourself: Trying to prove you're still "capable" despite the pain.
Isolate yourself: Withdrawing from social situations to avoid feeling like a burden or facing reminders of your limitations.
Struggle to ask for help: Feeling like you need to "tough it out" on your own.
Breaking Free: Solutions and Strategies:
Challenge the "Shoulds": Question the source of these expectations. Are they realistic? Are they based on your current needs and limitations?
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend in a similar situation.
Focus on Your Strengths: Chronic pain may have changed your life, but it hasn't erased your strengths and abilities. Identify and celebrate what you can do.
Grieve Your Losses: Allow yourself to grieve the changes in your life and the loss of your "past" self. This is a necessary step in moving forward.
Set Realistic Goals: Adjust your expectations and set achievable goals that honor your current limitations.
Seek Support: Connect with others who understand the challenges of living with chronic pain. Support groups, therapy, and online communities can provide a safe space to share your experiences and learn coping strategies.
Redefine Your Identity: Chronic pain is a part of your life, but it doesn't define you. Explore new interests, discover new passions, and embrace the person you are becoming.
Living with chronic pain is a journey of adaptation and self-discovery. It's about learning to live with the pain, not in spite of it. By breaking free from the comparison trap, you can reclaim your self-esteem, navigate your life with greater confidence, and find a sense of peace and acceptance amidst the challenges.