Living with chronic pain is an unrelenting battle. It’s not just the physical agony, but the mental and emotional toll that can be truly debilitating. The constant discomfort, the fatigue, the frustration of a body that feels like it has betrayed you – for me and countless others suffering with chronic pain, it’s a heavy burden to carry. In this landscape of struggle, a simple, almost deceptively easy, habit is emerging as a powerful tool for those who suffer: Mel Robbins’ "The High 5 Habit."
A couple months ago I discovered motivational speaker Mel Robbins after a friend recommended her podcast to me, and I liked her right away. I liked what she had to say and it resonated with my brain so it didn’t take long before I downloaded her bestselling audiobook, The 5 Second Rule, and started listening to it. I actually wrote a blog post about it last week (5 Second Rule Blog Post). When I heard her voice, as if she was speaking directly to me, I knew words would have a profound impact on my productivity, self esteem, and mental health.
If you don’t already know who Mel Robbins is, you are missing out. I finished The 5 Second Rule last week and was excited to start the next audiobook I downloaded, The High 5 Habit. I was hoping that it would have the same profound impact on me as The 5 Second Rule did, and that even though it’s not directly geared towards the chronic pain community, that Pain Warriors and Spoonies can still benefit from this simple and easy to do habit. This too was life changing.
So while it might sound unconventional, the practice of giving yourself a high-five in the mirror every morning is proving to be a game-changer for me and many others in the chronic pain community. This isn't about ignoring the pain or pretending it doesn't exist. Instead, it’s about fundamentally shifting your relationship with yourself, which, as it turns out, can have a profound impact on how you experience and manage your pain.
Why It Works: The Science of Self-Compassion and Breaking the Pain Cycle
Chronic pain and your mental state are inextricably linked. The constant physical stress of pain often leads to a vicious cycle of negative self-talk, anxiety, and even depression. You might find yourself thinking, "Why can't I just get better?" or "I'm so weak." This internal criticism only amplifies your physical and mental suffering.
This is where "The High 5 Habit" steps in. At its core, the habit is a daily act of self-compassion and celebration. When you high-five your reflection, you are, in a very tangible way, offering yourself the same support and encouragement you would give a friend. This simple gesture can begin to rewire the neural pathways in your brain. In her book she says that giving someone a high 5 is more than just an atta-boy, it’s a transference of positive energy between those two people. So why can’t it be a transference of positive energy from yourself to yourself? I felt silly at first too, but I quickly got over that. I was just so impressed that simply giving myself high 5’s could impact my self esteem and overall wellbeing, especially when used with The 5 Second Rule. As I developed and used this habit, I started to be creative with my high 5’s, and often found myself giving myself a high 5 at other times of the day when I was in front of a mirror. The good vibes were catching. As per Mel Robbins’ advice, I also told myself positive affirmations while giving myself high 5’s. It sounds silly, and so simple that literally anyone can adopt it and benefit from it, but once I could feel myself positively transforming through this simple habit, I found myself getting more into it and began giving others I come across throughout my days high 5’s too. I am not surprised that this simple yet effective habit has taken off across the globe.
Neuroscience tells us that acts of self-compassion can activate the parts of our brain associated with reward and positive emotions. It can also help to calm the amygdala, the brain's fear center, which is often in a state of high alert in individuals with chronic pain. By consistently starting your day with a gesture of self-endorsement and positivity, you begin to counteract the brain's tendency to focus on the negative and the painful.
Example: Imagine waking up to the familiar ache in your back. Your immediate thought might be, "Another day of this misery." Now, picture standing in front of the mirror, making eye contact with yourself, and giving yourself a solid high-five. It might feel silly at first, but in that moment, you are interrupting the negative thought pattern. You are sending a message to your brain that says, "I see you. I'm with you. We've got this." This is so important for Pain Warriors to learn how to do, because our self-esteem and self worth are often tied into what we can’t do and who we aren’t anymore, and not what we can do, or who we are now with chronic pain.
How It Works: A Practical Guide to the High 5 Habit for Chronic Pain
Implementing "The High 5 Habit" is incredibly simple, which is part of its brilliance for those whose energy is already depleted by pain. The only problem I found was when I was getting up in the morning, my brain was so foggy, and in need of my medications, I would forget to do it before starting my day. So I set an Alexa reminder for when I’m getting up and I also put a sticky note on my bathroom mirror. It can’t work if I can’t remember to do it at the beginning of my day.
- The Morning Ritual: As soon as you wake up and find yourself in front of a mirror – whether it's in your bathroom or a reflection in a window – take a moment. Give yourself a pep talk.
- Make Eye Contact: While giving yourself the pep talk, look at yourself in the eyes. This can be the most challenging part, as it forces a moment of genuine self-connection.
- Raise Your Hand and High-Five Your Reflection: Do it with intention. It's not a limp-wristed tap; it's a high-five. This is also very important as you want it to be just like giving your friend a high 5 after they accomplished something very good.
- Acknowledge the Feeling: Notice how it feels. It might be awkward, you might even laugh, but pay attention to the shift, however subtle, in your emotional state. Mine shifted in a positive direction, and I thought how am I going to explain myself if someone catches me giving myself high fives. In that moment, the High 5 Habit gave me permission to say who cares. If I get caught giving myself a high 5, I can use it as an opportunity to share with someone something that is working well for me, and possibly could work well for them too.
Example: Sarah, who has lived with fibromyalgia for over a decade, started the High 5 Habit. "The first few times, I felt ridiculous," she admits. "But then, I started to notice a small spark of something. It wasn't that my pain was gone, but my immediate reaction to it started to change. Instead of despair and distress flying around in my brain, there was a flicker of 'Okay, let's see what we can do today.'"
Coping Strategies Amplified by the High 5 Habit
"The High 5 Habit" isn't a standalone cure, but a powerful catalyst that can enhance other coping strategies for chronic pain:
- Mindful Acceptance: The high-five can be a gateway to mindful acceptance. By acknowledging your reflection with kindness, you are practicing accepting yourself as you are, pain and all. This can reduce the mental resistance that often intensifies the perception of pain. In reducing that perception of pain, because it’s reduced, you will feel less distress, which will make your pain decrease, and so on and so forth the cycle continues, going in either direction.
- Positive Affirmations: You can supercharge your high-five by pairing it with a positive affirmation. As you connect with your reflection, you might say, "I am strong," "I am resilient," or "I will find moments of ease today." I like to say “I got this”, “I am here for you” or the one I need to hear the most, “I love you Meredith. All of you.”
- Celebrating Small Wins: Chronic pain can make it easy to overlook small achievements. The high-five encourages a celebratory mindset. Did you manage to take a short walk? High-five. Did you cook a nutritious meal? High-five. This reinforces positive behaviors and builds a sense of agency. For bigger things, I high 10 myself. Double the excitement and double the transference of positive energy. I am also celebrating others’ achievements by giving them high 5’s. It feels good to celebrate other people’s wins in addition to your wins, and it trains your brain to seek out ways for you to celebrate yourself. In my experience, the small wins are just as important to your physical and mental health as the bigger wins. The smaller wins add up and turn into bigger wins, which turn into you accomplishing your goals and feeling so much better.
- Interrupting the Negative Spiral: When you feel a wave of pain-induced frustration or sadness, you can use a mental "high-five." Visualize the action in your mind. This small interruption can be enough to break the momentum of negative thoughts. I can’t jump anymore, but when I visualize myself giving myself a high 5, I am jumping up, putting my whole body into it, and giving myself a hearty and enthusiastic high 5, with a big smile on my face. I know I’ve said it sounds silly, but once you get over feeling self conscious or embarrassed about giving yourself a high 5, you really do begin to see and feel the positive benefits from this habit.
Example: Mark, who deals with chronic nerve pain, uses this technique throughout the day. "If I have a sudden spike in pain, my old habit was to tense up and start cursing my body," he says. "Now, I close my eyes for a second and picture myself giving a high-five. It helps me to unclench my jaw and breathe through it instead of fighting it."
The Positive Outcomes: More Than Just a Feeling
The ripple effects of this simple habit can be profound for those with chronic pain:
- Increased Self-Esteem: Consistently showing up for yourself, even in this small way, builds self-worth that has been eroded by chronic illness. Having chronic pain means that every day is different and what you could do one day, you might not be able to do the next, and that slowly chips away at your self esteem. But giving yourself a high 5? It’s literally a habit that everyone can do, no matter how physically limited or emotionally depleted you are.
- Improved Mood: Starting the day with a positive interaction with yourself can set a more optimistic tone for the hours ahead. You might be skeptical that this simple habit will even work, but if you are consistent, you will notice a positive shift in your mental health and self esteem. I found it exciting to feel this positive shift within myself and in that excitement, I started setting new goals for myself, started feeling better about myself, and started to feel like I was getting some of my life back. Some of me back.
- Greater Resilience: By fostering a supportive inner dialogue, you become better equipped to handle the emotional ups and downs of living with chronic pain. This is very important because chronic pain will try to beat you down, each step of the way, and by creating a positive habit, like giving yourself high 5’s, you are creating a positive shift in your mindset. New neural pathways form and in those pathways are new ways to cope so that you can handle the many ups and downs that chronic pain throws at you. I know when I feel better about myself, I feel stronger and more equipped to meet my challenges head on, and this is what High 5 Habit is all about. Creating that shift within yourself so that you can manage what life has thrown at you.
- A Shift in Perspective: The focus can gradually shift from what your body can't do to what you can do, fostering a sense of empowerment. This is also important as oftentimes Pain Warriors base their worth on what they can’t do, and that impacts one’s self esteem and mental health. We get hung up on what we can no longer do, judging ourselves, and talking down to ourselves, which leads to a very poor self esteem and a low sense of self worth. By creating a system that positively reinforces all the good things, like your self worth, and celebrating all that you can do, you are changing how your brain processes that information and these high 5’s begin to change how your brain feels about yourself.
- Enhanced Relationships: When you are kinder to yourself, you often have more emotional capacity to engage with others in a positive way. This is an area many with chronic pain struggle with. We are often emotionally depleted and that impacts how we interact with the people in our life. It impacts how much energy you have to interact with the people in your life. By being kinder to ourselves, we are releasing what often emotionally depletes us, giving us more space and energy to engage with those that we care about.
While Mel Robbins' "The High 5 Habit" may not be a medical treatment for chronic pain, it is a powerful and accessible tool for managing the immense psychological burden that accompanies it. By offering yourself a daily dose of celebration and support, you can begin to break the cycle of negativity and cultivate a more compassionate and resilient mindset. In the long and often arduous journey of living with chronic pain, a simple high-five can be a beacon of hope and a profound act of self-love.
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