Navigating life with chronic pain is a journey with no real end to it, and is often accompanied by a torrent of distress – physical, emotional, and psychological. For "pain warriors," as we so aptly call ourselves, the ability to self-regulate and self-soothe isn't just a nice-to-have; it's a fundamental survival skill. These are the tools that empower us to weather the storms, manage the emotional fallout, and ultimately, live a more fulfilling life despite the uninvited guest of chronic pain. It took me years to find ways to self soothe, and after my nervous breakdown in 2023, I needed to start from scratch and find new ways to self regulate and self soothe to reflect my different brain.
Imagine your nervous system as a finely tuned instrument. Chronic pain, however, acts like a constant, jarring discord. This persistent assault can throw our physiological and emotional responses into overdrive. Our fight-or-flight system, designed for acute threats, can become chronically activated, leading to heightened anxiety, irritability, poor sleep, and a general feeling of being overwhelmed. This is where self-regulation comes in. It is vital to learn self regulation techniques early on if you are going to live your best life. But don’t be discouraged if it takes a while. It often takes doing the activities that are self regulating repeatedly and on a consistent basis to notice a difference. You learn to use that activity or coping skill that cues your brain and body to self regulate.
So what are self-regulatioin and self-soothing? Aren’t they the same thing?
Self-regulation is our ability to manage our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in response to the challenges we face. When you're in chronic pain, your body is constantly sending distress signals, and without self-regulation, these signals can lead to a downward spiral of negativity, catastrophizing, and increased pain perception.
Self-soothing, on the other hand, is about actively comforting ourselves and calming our emotional distress. It's about recognizing when we're in a state of heightened arousal or despair and consciously employing strategies to bring ourselves back to a place of relative peace. When pain flares, the urge to withdraw, lash out, or simply give up can be immense. Self-soothing provides the antidote, allowing us to navigate these intense moments with greater resilience.
Building these coping skills is paramount because:
- Chronic pain is chronic: It's not going away overnight. Therefore, we need sustainable strategies to manage its ongoing impact. It’s important that you find some acceptance in this regard. Learning to live with chronic pain is a skill learned over time.
- Pain amplifies distress: The physical sensation of pain often triggers a cascade of negative emotions – fear, anger, sadness, hopelessness. Without these tools, we can easily become consumed by this distress. I’ve learned it’s necessary for me to be mindful of my pain levels, especially if they are increasing, and stay ahead of the pain, because in times of extreme pain, it amplifies my distress, making my brain go haywire.
- Distress amplifies pain: It's a cruel paradox, but emotional distress can actually lower our pain threshold, making the physical sensations feel even more intense. It’s a vicious cycle. Pain causes more distress, distress causes more pain, which causes further distress, which causes…and on and on. When I am really stressed out, or distressed from how high the pain is, I notice a difference in how my pain feels. It feels more scattered and more intense, more shocking. Keeping myself calm throughout the day is necessary if I want to have a productive and good day.
- Empowerment: Relying solely on external factors (medication, doctors) can leave us feeling disempowered. Self-regulation and self-soothing shift some control back to us, fostering a sense of agency in our own well-being. Having some control in how we manage our pain and well-being is important, because so much of it is out of our control.
- Improved quality of life: By effectively managing the emotional and physiological responses to pain, we can participate more fully in life, maintain relationships, and find moments of joy even amidst the challenges. This is perhaps the most important point in this list. In doing your best to manage your pain and mental health, by doing activities that fill your cup. Finding some version of having quality in your life is the best gift you can give yourself because it’s where all your hard work on the other items in the list come together to improve your quality of life.
How Self-Regulation and Self-Soothing Benefit Pain Warriors
The benefits of cultivating these skills are far-reaching and profoundly impactful for those living with chronic pain:
- Reduced Pain Perception: While these tools won't eliminate pain, they can significantly influence how we perceive and react to it. By calming the nervous system, we can reduce the intensity of pain signals and lessen the accompanying distress. I spend time every day meditating while doing something creative, and gravitate towards other activities that my brain finds calming. When I’m doing something mindfully, like writing, I’m not thinking about my pain. I’m not thinking about my distress. I’m focused on the words on the page/screen, and in sharing my thoughts about it. When I’m doing something creative, my mind automatically goes into a flow state, which lessens the severity of some of my pains.
- Enhanced Emotional Resilience: Learning to self-regulate and self-soothe builds our capacity to bounce back from difficult emotional states. We become less susceptible to the overwhelming tides of anxiety, depression, and frustration that often accompany chronic pain. I do daily Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) guided exercises in 2 different apps, Clarity and Clearful, and they really do help with my overall mindset and ability to bounce back from something that triggered me.
- Improved Sleep Quality: Chronic pain often wreaks havoc on sleep. By employing self-soothing techniques before bed, we can calm our minds and bodies, making it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. I use the Balance mediation app for before bed, and the routine cues my body that it’s time for sleep. When I go off my bedtime routine, my sleep suffers.
- Better Relationships: When we are better able to manage our own distress, we are less likely to project it onto others. This leads to healthier, more supportive relationships with loved ones. I’m not one to be grumpy when I’m in a lot of pain, I tend to withdraw into myself and go quiet, which is not helpful, so I’ve been making a big effort to share how I’m feeling and how my pain is impacting me with my loved ones, rather than going quiet and withdrawing. It’s really helped with me feeling understood and brought me closer with those loved ones.
- Increased Sense of Control: Feeling out of control is a common experience with chronic pain. Developing these internal resources provides a valuable sense of agency and empowerment, reminding us that we have tools to navigate even the toughest moments. Having these tools and skills to draw on will help you live a more mindful and fulfilling life because we feel that some of what we feel is in our control.
- Greater Engagement in Life: When distress is managed, we have more energy and capacity to engage in activities that bring us joy and meaning, rather than being confined by the limitations of our pain. This is so true. Just being in pain is exhausting, nevermind tending to the days tasks, activities and chores, so it’s important to include tasks, activities and chores that we enjoy too.
Ways to Cope, Self-Regulate, and Self-Soothe in Times of Distress
Building a robust toolkit of self-regulation and self-soothing strategies takes practice and patience. What works for one person might not work for another, so it's essential to experiment and find what resonates with you. Here are some effective strategies to consider:
Self-Regulation Techniques:
- Mindful Breathing: This is perhaps the most fundamental tool. When distress hits, our breath often becomes shallow and rapid. Consciously slowing down your breath, inhaling deeply through your nose and exhaling slowly through your mouth, can immediately signal to your nervous system that you are safe. Try the 4-7-8 method: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, exhale for 8. I personally like 4-4-4 method, but I have a thing with the number 4.
- Body Scan Meditation: Lie down and systematically bring your awareness to different parts of your body, noticing any sensations without judgment. This practice helps to ground you in the present moment and develop a greater awareness of your body's signals, allowing you to respond more intentionally. By doing a head to toe body scan, I can work on relaxation techniques for those areas of the body that are in more pain or feel stressed.
- Identify and Challenge Negative Thought Patterns: Chronic pain can lead to catastrophic thinking ("This pain will never end," "I can't do anything anymore"). Learn to identify these thoughts and challenge their validity. Ask yourself: "Is this thought 100% true? What's another way to look at this situation?" This is where my CBT apps come into play. I do daily thought reframing exercises, on top of the daily exercises assigned by the apps.
- Pacing and Activity Management: Overdoing it is a common trigger for pain flares and subsequent distress. Learning to pace yourself, breaking down tasks into smaller chunks, and incorporating regular rest periods can significantly reduce physical and emotional overwhelm. This is an ongoing battle as some days it doesn’t take much to overdo it, and other days I can accomplish more.
- Emotional Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be incredibly therapeutic. It helps you to externalize distress, gain perspective, and identify patterns in your emotional responses to pain. I have a daily journaling practice that nurtures my personal growth and helps me process the intense emotions that come with chronic pain.
- Setting Boundaries: Protecting your energy is crucial. Learn to say "no" when necessary and communicate your needs clearly to others. This prevents emotional overload and helps maintain a sense of control. This is something we all have to learn when dealing with chronic pain.
Self-Soothing Techniques:
- Engage Your Senses (5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique): When feeling overwhelmed, this technique can quickly bring you back to the present moment.
- 5 things you can see: Look around and name five things you can see.
- 4 things you can feel: Notice four things you can feel (e.g., the texture of your clothes, the warmth of a mug, the chair beneath you).
- 3 things you can hear: Listen for three sounds.
- 2 things you can smell: Identify two things you can smell.
- 1 thing you can taste: Notice one thing you can taste.
- Comforting Touch: Gentle self-touch can be incredibly soothing. Try placing a hand over your heart, giving yourself a gentle hug, or stroking your arm. I have a back massager that is like a back rest, and I sit on my recliner with it and have it knead from my neck down to my lower back, focusing on either side of the spine, and it helps a lot. My neck and back are often tense from the pain and this helps me relax.
- Warmth and Cold: A warm bath or shower, a heated blanket, or a cold compress on an aching area can provide immediate physical comfort that translates to emotional soothing. We recently got a hot tub, as I’ve stated previously, showers are traumatic for me they are so painful, so having somewhere to sit and soak has been really helpful. I can feel the warmth radiating through my body long after going in and it really helps soothe some of the pain.
- Engage in Calming Hobbies: Immerse yourself in activities that you find inherently relaxing and enjoyable – reading, listening to music, knitting, drawing, gardening, or gentle stretching. I love colouring, drawing or doing something else creative while listening to meditations. It sends me right into a flow state. I also love journaling, writing for my blog, and creating digital content for pain warriors.
- Connect with Nature: Spending time outdoors, even if it's just sitting on a porch or looking out a window, can have a profoundly calming effect on the nervous system. I live on 11.5 acres of forested land, and nature is literally in my backyard. I love sitting outside, listening to the birds and the frogs from the pond in the valley.
- Aromatherapy: Certain scents, like lavender, chamomile, or frankincense, have calming properties. Diffuse essential oils or use scented lotions. I like to burn incense, and have a wide variety of scents.
- Mindful Movement (Gentle): If your pain allows, gentle movement like slow stretching, Tai Chi, or restorative yoga can release tension and promote a sense of calm. I do daily stretching videos in Apple Fitness+, on top of exercising with my mother-in-law twice a week. They’ve really helped with my mobility.
- Positive Affirmations: Repeat calming and empowering phrases to yourself, such as "This feeling will pass," "I am strong enough to handle this," or "I am safe." In my Mel Robbin’s High 5 Habit journal, it has you put your hand to your heart and repeat 3 short affirmations of self love. This journaling routine has had a positive impact on my self esteem and self love.
- Visualizations: Close your eyes and imagine a peaceful, safe place. Engage all your senses in this imagined scenario. This can be a powerful way to escape distress temporarily. I like to dream I’m in Hawaii, on the beach, or hanging out by the pool.
- Listen to Soothing Sounds: Nature sounds, calming music, or guided meditations can help quiet a busy mind and promote relaxation. My favourite is listening to rain on a metal roof, the ocean waves, orcas and other whales calling to one another, and a fire crackling.
The Journey of Building Resilience
Remember, building these skills is a journey, it’s not a race. There will be days when the pain is overwhelming, and it feels impossible to self-regulate or self-soothe. That's okay. Be kind to yourself, acknowledge your struggles, and then gently redirect your focus back to your tools.
The chronic pain journey is undeniably arduous, but by consciously investing in our capacity for self-regulation and self-soothing, we equip ourselves with invaluable internal resources. These aren't just coping mechanisms; they are pathways to greater resilience, improved well-being, and a life lived with more agency and less pervasive distress. As pain warriors, our strength lies not just in enduring, but in our ability to tend to our own hearts and minds amidst the storm.
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